I spend a lot of time watching that spinning thing – the little firework that spins around on your computer screen requesting your patience while simultaneously taxing it (no, they’re not the same thing).
Lately, it’s been appearing a lot more often, turning up whenever I attempt to do anything – open a new window, open a new tab, open an email, close an email. I know – time to get more memory, or time to buy another computer because I just can’t be asked to sort this one out.
When I look back on the last year, and all the sorting I did (chasing several different care providers, trying to get Ben the treatment he needed, trying to get my sanity back and him and his boozy self out), well, I suppose it was a whole year of that spinning thing, cranking its way round from month to month, laying waste to my life like a demented Catherine wheel.
But here we are, a whole year later – more than that really – and things have changed. Ben has moved out. Rosie and I have our living room back. Ben comes round, is sober, and doesn’t spend the whole day on the couch (although he continues to have problems sleeping and therefore occupies it for a lot longer than I would like).
Still, it’s different. No more beer cans, despite my imagining them there whenever I come into the living room in the morning while he’s still sleeping. Only it’s actually just a giant mug of cold Valerian tea (smells like feet before it’s brewed – yech), a tower of chocolate chip digestives and assorted used tissues (he’s had a bad cold of late).
I’ve even left him alone with Rosie for an afternoon and an evening. Yes, I managed to get out with my dear friend who is just about to fly away to a new life in the Caribbean with her two lovely sons. She was one of my rocks last year, taking Rosie in when I needed her to, listening to me moan about Ben when I couldn’t help myself. Just generally being there when I needed her. I’ll miss her.
Yes, changes are afoot with no real sense of what the year will bring. I have plans, like I always do, most of which involve me actually achieving something as opposed to succumbing to inertia.
Maybe it’s time I grabbed hold of that little spinning thing and launched myself off it. I might end up anywhere. Plot the trajectory of that.