Is this the new me?

Not quite so graceful, but the sentiment is accurate. Too tired to think.

When I wake up this morning, I am wearing the same clothes I’ve been wearing for the last two days. I work from home today, so I don’t bother to change until most of the day has disappeared. I haven’t bathed since Saturday morning. I’m pretty sure I’ve done a tiny wee in my pyjama bottoms, owing to a lingering asthmatic cough and poor bladder control caused by childbearing.

Normally, these things would disgust me, but the pace of my new job has wiped not just my energy, but my inhibitions as well. Is this the new me?

And Ben. What the frig is going on with him? We chat frequently, but it is always so awkward. Yes, yes, we’re separated. No change there. But it’s all just so weird. I have residual anger, an unhealthy need for answers, and too much despair coursing through my increasingly prominent veins. Can I really take another Christmas like this?

***

Borgen – Danish political drama on BBC4.

So,Β BorgenΒ is back on BBC4. For those who haven’t had the pleasure of watching series 1 and 2,Β Borgen is a Danish political drama featuring strong female leads (including one who plays the former prime minister, pictured right, centre) – women who balance family life with intense careers. I watch it without fail, every weekend.

The last episode took us deeper into the relationship between Katrine (a journalist who is now a political spin doctor; pictured above, left) and her ex-partner Kaspar (an ex-spin doctor who is now a journalist). The two have a baby son, but are separated and trying to set clear boundaries in their own relationship. Clearly, Katrine wants more from Kaspar and is always disappointed when he leaves after dropping their son off. Kaspar, on the other hand, is busily shagging one woman after another, often having a colleague collect his son from the childminder.

Understandably, Katrine is not happy about this. But in the end, she decides it’s his life, and, I suppose, that when their son is with her ex, he’s with him and she needs to trust that he is looking after him. (I’m not sure I’d be that trusting).

Well, you can see where I’m going with this one, right? This awkward relationship in which two ex-partners are in and out of each other’s homes, appearing to those looking in like a contented family. I won’t even try to deny the similarities, or how annoyed I am to see this aspect of my life reflected on screen. Dammit!

To recover from this bruising realisation, I turn toΒ Animal odd couples (BBC1), and wonder how it’s possible that a dog can befriend a deer, but I still can’t find a way to connect with the father of my daughter.

Dog and deer – old friends.

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6 thoughts on “Is this the new me?

  1. It’s late and I’ve just woken and should be sleeping and hope you are, so will keep this brief.

    You’re suffering from stress. Understandable. Sling your pjs and old clothes in the wash this morning and yourself in the shower. You’ll feel better.

    Then start living again. You need to exercise and meet people ( meetup is an idea for this) and try to move on. You do have time for this, turn off the TV. I think I mentioned meditation last time. 10 minutes a day doing that will help.

    Finally, be kinder to yourself and realise you’ve gone through hell and that you are making progress. This time next year you will be in a much better place… I’m doubtful your ex will be. I suspect ( guessing) that a lot of your anger is due to thinking ” why couldn’t you quit when we were together you ********?”, but then I’m guessing.

    Don’t forget, if you were together you’d always be looking for empties or evidence of a slide and what life is that for you? You’re better than that and deserve better. So, don’t get mad (and if you do, channel that into exercise), get your life back and learn to live again. For too long your life has been an alcoholic, now it needs to be you and eventually some other sober guy.

    Hang in there. I’ve worn clothes two days and skipped a shower due to stress. Oh and I’ve asthma… but never had kids… well not ones that left me with dodgy bladder control… unless they want money. πŸ™‚

    I hope you’re sleeping and I hope you know people care and that life will be better.

    Take care… of yourself… not anyone else for once, just of you.

  2. I have stayed in my pajamas an entire day so I can relate. A couple of days is a bit too much for me though! πŸ™‚
    Sounds like you’re depressed and it’s understandable given the circumstances.
    Sometimes when I am feeling down, what’s gets me moving again is the thought of how I am showing my kids the ways to deal with stress. If I am acting like a slug or a victim, that’s the example I’m setting.
    I hope I don’t make you feel bad saying that but whether you choose to reach out for professional help or just get in a shower, keep Rosie in mind. It is important for her to see healthy behaviors. She will learn from you, repeating behaviors she has seen in her youth, much later in on in life.
    I hope you decide to reach out as I really think you could use someone to talk to.
    Good luck….xo

    • Hi Joanne

      Not to worry, I’ve had several showers since I wrote that post. And when Rosie’s around, I’m rarely lying around (unless we’re lying around together, reading books). I try not to be idle around her. She’d probably prefer it if I was. Despite being in my pyjamas and fairly brain dead, I still cleaned the flat, cooked, played lego with her, etc. My exhaustion stems from very long days at work and a continuous drive to BE CREATIVE. It’s become a tyranny I can’t escape now. Who knew?! As if all the meetings and brainstorms weren’t enough, I’ve got another creative brainstorm tomorrow. At one point, I (jokingly) said to my colleague: ‘I might need to go on cocaine to make it through these next few months.’ It was a joke. Very much so, since everyone knows I’m the last person to condone class A drug-taking. I don’t drink caffeine, let alone alcohol – coke is just a no-go area for me. Anyway, thank you for the concern. You and Tom have been checking in to see if I’m ok, and I certainly am! You’re right, though, I probably do need someone to talk to. Now that I don’t have regular therapy, it’s getting a bit heated … and difficult. I’m just waiting for the Christmas holidays. x

      • It’s good to hear that you are moving about. I am relieved to know that.
        It is hard for me to relax; I’m just not that good at it and I tend to push myself at whatever job I’m doing though I am trying to be better about setting good personal boundaries.
        I have come to realize I am a valuable worker and it is ok if I set a limit once in a while.
        Don’t know if you celebrate Thanksgiving but best wishes for a good week!
        xo Joanne

  3. Hi again,

    Hope you’ve had that shower and I hope you are feeling better. The hackneyed phrase “fake it till you make it” actually does work. If you get yourself dressed and showered (maybe not in that order) and then put on a smile and get yourself outside, you will find you feel better despite all.

    Oh and you do not need to connect to the father of your daughter. He’s the one with the problem who broke up your marriage through his addiction, not you. I know you’ve your daughter to think about, but as someone who has hardly said two words to my ex wife who cheated on me since our divorce 13 years ago, I can assure you that my children have turned out alright (one just turned down a place at Cambridge).

    You need to do what you’ve not done for too long and focus on you. You need to get out and meet people as I say and you need to reclaim your life. You’ve been living in the shadow of his vomit for too long. I know you are struggling to move on, but you need to and you will. Oh and you have a lot of justifiable anger in you… you need to let that out somehow as its eating away at you. Exercise is good for that. I recall hitting a punch bag for 2 hours once. It got the anger out… and made my arms look better πŸ™‚

    Oh and do not forget that this time of year (the “season of good will to all men”) is when there are more depressed and miserable people than any other time of the year. There is so much pressure on us to be happy and a “TV Family” and all that nonsense. No one is allowed to have a glass half empty, its always got to be half full.

    So, what are you going to do? What’s your new life going to be? Where are you going to take yourself? At the moment you are in limbo and you need to move on.

    Take care and get outside and find happiness… or at the very least find something different. I went to a Meetup Book Crossing last night… it had a very odd bunch of people, but it was different and got me out the house and to realise that actually I am much more grounded than I thought and that things could be worse… I mean I could have had a unkempt beard, beer belly and a Star Trek convention T-shirt like the guy I was being talked at last night… πŸ™‚

    • Oh well, if he’s happy in his Star Trek t-shirt, why not. I’m sorry to hear that your marriage ended so sourly. You’re clearly still angry about it. Don’t blame you. I’m ok, actually. As I mentioned to Jo below, my weekend lethargy was down to exhaustion. As one of the so-called creatives in our team, I’ve been feeling the pressure of trying to come up with good ideas for a new campaign we’re launching. Last weekend, I was feeling pretty depleted, which accounts for not showering or changing my PJs. I had lots to do over the weekend – all the domestic stuff, plus my own work, plus taking care of Rosie. By the time Sunday arrived, I really crashed. And then Monday – well, I work from home on Mondays – and after dropping Rosie at school, there really wasn’t any time for personal grooming. I was at my computer writing one article after another. BUT, I did make time to exercise, as I usually do. I tend to get up at 6.30 and work out before Rosie’s up (not every day, mind!). When Ben was at his worst, I ran. Now, I just do a lot of kick-boxing -type exercises at home before I head off to work. It’s the only thing that keeps my energy up and my brain functional. So yes, you’re right about exercise. I keep recommending it to Ben, since he still suffers from depression. At least he rides his bike, I guess. Right now, work stress is the greater of my worries. I haven’t caught up with my tail yet. Maybe by next April? As for my future. Who knows. I can’t look that far ahead, although I’ve plans afoot. Thanks for checking in on me! Much appreciated. Tc : )

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