New year, old woes

11 minutes to the new year. With under an hour to go before the year ends, I manage to have an argument with Ben. Not an argument per se, since I’m the only one doing the talking. More of a tirade.

This is not so different from last year, to be honest. As the year draws to a close, I can feel 12 months worth of bitterness and bile building up. The explosion is inevitable.

All those doubts I’ve had. All those suspicions point to the realisation that there really is nothing left to this relationship. The things he has done – and continues to do – have poisoned my soul so that every man is suspect. Every man is despicable. Every man is someone to hold in contempt and so, avoid.

Pop go the fireworks outside my window. Rosie lies asleep next to me. Ben is sitting in the living room.

Here comes 2014.





18 thoughts on “New year, old woes

  1. I’m really sorry to hear this – it’s understandable, but it’s also so exhausting and stressful.

    I hope that 2014 can bring you some clarity, and maybe peace.


  2. I wish you a blessed and charmed 2014, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. Like Joanne, I too hpe that you are able to detach with love from the pain and hurt that has burdened you. Drop the rock, and begin living. I have seen that spark within you just from your writings, so I can imagine that it’s there with you in the small things – the way Rosie laughs perhaps. I also hope that Ben gets out of his own place of pain too. But his pain is not yours to carry. You have that beautiful girl ready to take into your loving arms 🙂



  3. It is so sad when bad deeds ruin it for the one’s worthy of our affection and respect. I am sorry you are having to feel that way. There are some out there worthy of your affection and respect even if it doesn’t seem so right at this moment. Hang in there. I have a good feeling about 2014. 🙂

  4. Pingback: And the tables turn | married to an alcoholic

  5. I wish you and Rosie all the best for the New Year. I spent my New Year’s eve much the same way, except my tirade was had in my head and silence reigned in the house.

    • Thanks, CK. And I’m sorry yours was so similar. I don’t wish it on anyone. Oddly enough, I felt more a part of the world when I was out on the highway in my pyjamas, than I felt lying in my bed listening to the firecrackers boom through the window. I don’t know what that means, but there it is.

  6. *huggles you* I remember the feelings of frustration and helplessness.

    I do not miss them, though oddly for the first 2 years afterward I felt out of my element trying to adjust to NOT panicking or eating myself up, fearing a relapse. Even that had it’s own odd pain about it.

    Thoughts are with you

    • Thanks, ML. I’m not over the fear of relapse. It cuts me down every now and then, even when I think I’ve left it behind. I think you never quite leave the panic behind. Glad you’ve made it out of the ‘hole’. : )

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