Wanderlust

Running. Away, towards, whatever. I’m running right now.

Imagine: standing still, while the you inside pulls away like a wad of chewing gum strung up to the underside of a shoe. See? One piece is still on the pavement, the other is bungeeing upwards away, momentarily free, until the shoe strikes the pavement and leaves a little bit of you behind with each step. Perpetual displacement with no refuge.

I hate my job. I hate it because there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do it. I hate it because it takes me further away from the things I love. I need it because I can’t afford not to. I try to find that place inside me that keeps me safe from this burrowing thing. I try to find it at home, but there is no comfort there either. Only endless grind. Endless doing. Endless failures, too.

There is a restlessness in my heart.

With nowhere safe to lay my head and heart, I run. Run because I can’t find that crawl space, that dark underground place where the world can’t find me. When I was little, it was my closet – that boxy, black, magical space that opened onto more magical spaces. I spent hours in there, crouched under the hems of my trousers, coats and dresses.

Maybe I closed my eyes

Maybe the walls melted into new worlds

Maybe I fell asleep

Running.

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10 thoughts on “Wanderlust

  1. “You can’t run away forever,
    But there’s nothing wrong with getting a good head start
    You want to shut out the night
    You want to shut down the sun
    You want to shut away the pieces of a broken heart”
    Jim Steinman

  2. I hope and pray you find some hope to lift your spirits. I’ve been struggling this winter as well, but am finding some peace from biblical scripture. There is wisdom in those words 🙂

  3. Pingback: Isn’t it great when you don’t have to be responsible? | married to an alcoholic

  4. I so could have written this with how I am feeling. I am thinking of you and praying for you as well. We are not alone.

    • Your story is harrowing. I think of my daughter, now six, and imagine her trying to find food on her own. I can’t imagine it. Amazing that you managed to survive all those levels of hell. No, we are not alone.

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