I blame the sun

Summer is upon us. After weeks of dreary, non-committal weather, we are having one supple day after another of Apollinian bliss here in London.

And like a sun-baked lizard, I seem to have come alive. 

I won’t go into the details of this new life force, only that it upsets the equilibrium that has so far dominated my day-to-day business. A few bike rides in the morning and there go my serotonin levels, climbing like a determined spider, sending me into a grinning spin.

Truth be told, it’s not the cycling that has me gurning stupidly. I’ve developed an unseemly interest in a colleague – that will go nowhere, I hasten to add – but that keeps me entertained for the hours I spend at work.

Call it a distraction, or simply letting go and doing what makes me smile (as one of my dear friends has suggested I do). I feel ridiculous, potty, gormless. In spite of myself, I find myself edging closer to whatever it is, hooked on this rush of serotonin.

Of course it will pass. These things always do.

But it doesn’t seem to make a difference to the wild thing in me (the thing that ignores all sense – you know the one). I am so not impressed with my behaviour.

What happened to the sensible, staid person I’ve been for the last few years? What happened to self-discipline and self-denial (for me, both vital sources of creativity)?

This whole thing can only end badly. I predict calamity and embarrassment and erasure. I predict everything that can and probably will go wrong. I know these things, but the wild thing in me dismisses them all right now.

Blame it on years of loneliness and neglect.

I blame the sun.



8 thoughts on “I blame the sun

  1. Blame it on the sun or whatever you like…I for one, am very happy at the thought of you smiling, blissfully self indulgent taking in all the happiness and laughter this “distraction” has brought your way. The fatalistic undertones are a bit disturbing only because I’d like to see you optimistic and full of hope but I trust you when you say this summer flight of fancy could only end badly. So for now, go with the wild thing in you, bask in the warmth of the summer days and like a child, allow yourself to play…even if it’s only for a little while.

    • 🙂 🙂 🙂
      I can’t stop smiling. It’s a fleeting indulgence. And because so much of what makes me happy happens within the confines of my addled head, it’s a very wild flight of hopeless fantasy, I think. Although… ?!
      And thank you. Thank you… 🙂

  2. After breaking up with my boyfriend of 6 years I found myself crushing on a man that I used to work with (this was well over ten years ago). I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere because, well, he was gay. But truth be told I didn’t care. Because all I could focus on was the fact that after all the pain I had gone through because of the break up I was happy just to know that I could feel something for another man again. It didn’t matter that it would never go anywhere, I was just glad to know that I could feel again. And it was nice. So enjoy it and the warm weather. You deserve to be happy. 🙂

    • SHG, you have it dead on. Ben and I were together for 16 years, although we began to drift further and further apart after Rosie was born. Despite all the time that has passed, I can still remember the first day we met, those heady days when I felt so alive. And then, an eternity of solitude, neglect and decay. I thought I’d never feel this way again, but here I am. And yes, I’m indulging this feeling because I finally know that I AM alive. I can feel. I’m alive to the world again. Thank you. 🙂

  3. I loved reading this. I can always picture being in your posts, as they are so well described; it almost makes us feel what you feel. This time, however, we go on the uplifting bike ride of distraction with you. I’m glad you are smiling and FEELING! We’re all smiling for you! Hang on and enjoy the ride! : )

    • Aw, thank you Cakes! Have to admit, feeling a little less smiley right now. Probably because these things run in waves… and when you’re away from the distraction in question, withdrawal sets in. Sigh. Back to the office tomorrow, so who knows where it will all go. Trying to rein things in, anyway, for the sake of my creaky sanity. 🙂

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