There and back again


Back. After months of anxious searching, raised hopes and panicked losses, I’m back. How many months has it been? Living under a superstitious spell that buttoned my lips and stilled my fingers?

So much change, I can’t keep track. My livingroom now filled with boxes. My cupboards gradually emptying.

In two weeks, Rosie and I leave our old home behind. Yesterday, contracts were exchanged, at once sealing the deal and setting my fingers free to roam over this backlit keyboard once again.

As Ben and I rummage through our common archive, sorting it into separate piles, loss fills the room in gusts. In these intervening weeks, Ben has kept me sane, quietly acquiring boxes from Tesco’s and clearing out the loft in shifts. His generosity and friendship keep me focused, convince me that this is possible. If I don’t think too hard, I can almost – almost – forget how much we have both lost.

But it’s all around me. The mis-matched cutlery we brought with us from our postgraduate days. Photographs from youthful adventures in Kenya and Cornwall. A mug he bought me for my birthday, which I keep despite its broken handle. Old Christmas and birthday cards, with messages that grow more and more distant with each year.

What we cannot believe is the mass of it. The solid mass of our shared history, shoved into the loft and into drawers, now dissected, discarded.

And in amongst the accumulated ruins, I find this song, unopened. Unheard, until the moment before I throw it away.

And then keep it.


16 thoughts on “There and back again

  1. Sad reality that alcoholism breaks up marriages. That sucks.

    But, for you it is a chance at something new and wonderful. I wish you well in this part of your journey.

    xoxoxox Fern

    • Thanks Joanne! I know it’s been a long while. As I mentioned to Paul, I couldn’t bring myself to write about anything until the move was confirmed. I still can’t quite believe any of this is happening. 😯

  2. I’m glad to see you again, my friend. I had been wondering what was going on. Sorry that it’s this, but nice to see him chipping in. I hope you and Rosie are well.


    • Hey Paul. Preparing for the move has been super stressful and I just couldn’t bring myself to write about it until things were confirmed. So superstitious about these things. Yes, he’s been more than chipping in. I couldn’t have done any of this without him. 😯

  3. Hi. You have come such a long way. I am hoping that rather than just seeing this point in your life as an ending you can also see it as a new beginning. Glad that there is civility as you pack up. Praying for you and Rosie, and also Ben! At the end of the day, it is what it is…and we all just want love and peace , health and happiness. Take care.

    • Shelley! So great to hear from you. Yes. .. New beginnings. Right now I can’t see past the logistics of packing and moving. But eventually… nah. Still can’t get my head round it all. It’s going to take some time to settle in.

  4. Pingback: The sun rises faster over Nairobi | married to an alcoholic

  5. Pingback: Separation agreement | married to an alcoholic

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